Concerned about the influx of zebra mussels and other undesirable aquatic life forms in the St. Lawrence River and the Seaway, the Federal Research And Underwriting Directorate (FRAUD), a newly formed environmental agency, will plant bull sharks in local St. Lawrence River waters in an effort to eradicate nuisance fish and pests.

The sharks, which grow up to 10 feet and 400 pounds, will be captured in Nicaragua and released on April 1, 1996 in the Lake St. Francis vicinity of the St. Lawrence River, where it is hoped they will migrate up river towards Lake Ontario to eat zebra mussels, lamprey eels, carp and other nonessential fish.

Dr. Fuller Bull, head of the FRAUD shark project, said, "We were very discouraged about the rapid growth of these unwanted species and were searching for a simple solution When one of our scientists said, 'What we need is a natural predator that comes from the ocean like these nuisance fish once did.' It was then that the shark idea struck me, and it was so simple I almost fell off my chair!"

Bull sharks are common in Lake Nicaragua and it was long thought that they were a landlocked shark subspecies that had evolved to live in fresh water. But, the scientific community discovered that they routinely move between the lake and the ocean via a connecting river and are equally at home in both fresh water and salt water environments.

The sharks, which do not have a reputation for aggressiveness, may, at times, attack people, but generally only when in fresh water. Scientists think that's because they find it harder to locate food in those surroundings.

"That's an overstatement, as the sharks kill fewer than 200 people a year in Lake Nicaragua," said Dr. I M. Lye Ing of Thailand, a shark expert from the Military and Naval University Research Exchange .(MANURE).

"We don't expect anywhere near that number in the St. Lawrence River. I think bull sharks in the river basin wouldn't eat more than 40 people a year, maybe 50, tops. And, since most of the locals don't often venture into the water because it's too damn cold, you have to figure most will be tourists from down state or New York City area anyway.
"I bet the sharks won't get more than 5 to 1 0 north country residents on an annual basis."
The shark experiment has caught the eye of Sweden's Dr. Per Varicator, chief of the Bovine Unified Locator Laboratory (BULL), that is studying the Adirondack Park moose herd.

Dr. Varicator said that the state has not been able to bring down the number of moose to a manageable size within the park area, which now has 400 more animals than desired. He thinks he has a solution to the problem that would be much more reliable than the dependence on winter kill.

"Siberian tigers," he said. "Think about it. The Siberian tiger is one of the rarest animals in the world. It is also highly adapted to the kind of cold winters we have in the Adirondack Park. Here's an opportunity to help save an endangered animal while solving a growing problem for the state.

"We plan to introduce 10 pairs of tigers, which should keep the moose herd in check. From what we've learned in northern India, each tiger eats about one water buffalo a month, or its equivalent in villagers. The average water buffalo goes about 600 pounds for females, maybe 900 pounds for males, so we figure that the rough exchange in the park area kill be 4 to 6 people per moose."

"I received a call from a lady who was really worried about the idea of introducing tigers. I can appreciate her concern, but I told her she need not to worry. Even if it takes months for the tigers to learn how to hunt moose, there will always be more than enough transient Canadians in the area to feed all 10 breeding pairs until they figure it out. Besides, just imagine the interesting new element that will be added to archery hunting inside the Adirondack Park!'